turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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