So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
