he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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