WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
