Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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