Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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