Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
