"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
