he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
