I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
