Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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