is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
