WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
