Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
