The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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