There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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