Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
