Just cropdusted the office
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
