happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
