ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
