I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
