please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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