You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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