im about as happy as oj after his trial
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
