Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
