i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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