wrigley field is MILF paradise
someone threw a dead crab at me
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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