we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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