Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
