When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
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I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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