there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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