"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
