Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
