And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
