so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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