I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i now understand why vodka