chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
