FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
