she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The air was thick with penises
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
