walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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