Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
