Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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