No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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