Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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