im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
