I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
