i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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