my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
