Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
