Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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