Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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