Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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