dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
